Who Am I Now?

Monday, 3 April 2017


I'm a complainer, always have been and probably always will be. Just by nature. That whole glass half full thing is also a baffling concept to me because my reply is well where's the rest, and why are you happy with half? But maybe this is why I'm so exhausted with my life. Constantly striving is a great attribute and means I'll always be reaching for more in work and my personal life. 


But seriously, at what point do we say hold on a second I need to get off this carousel or my head is going to explode. That's how I feel right now, like it's literally going to topple off. I used to be the happy go lucky girl who did fun things, posted Youtube Videos about vintage clothes (that were filmed sideways) when everyone still thought it was weird and was always doing cool projects. Now I'm the complainer, the drain, who hates going out, can't have a conversation without depressing someone and my reply to 99% of life is "I can't do that I'm too broke/skint/tired". Or realistically both. 


I'm not sure when I changed and I'm also not sure why, but losing passion in adult life seems to be a genuine cycle of discontent. One moment it's like oh hey I'm doing okay, and then you get home to 4 unpaid bills, dirty dishes and two more hours of work to do plus cooking and eating and trying to sleep. I wish wish wish I could stop complaining all the time but I also wish it was that easy. 


Do we get so caught up in paying bills and trying to survive that we actually forget to have fun? I envy those women who have just one job and have time to do nice makeup, and in turn have beautiful husbands who can afford to support them to live in beautiful homes so they can enjoy whatever career path they may choose. Because believe me there are more of those women than you think. And I'm not shunning that in any way, but it just feels like a slap in the face for me sometimes. I find myself thinking 'why them' or 'why not me'. And yes shit happens to everyone but we are all complaining so much that no one actually hears each other. We now exchange grumpy words more than hellos and maybe if we actually felt happy about something we wouldn't say it for fear of the 'brag police' honing in. I'm not sure what the cure is and maybe I don't know it might just be me and everyone else is happy as larry. But someone please help me find a machine that turns my complaints into something positive because my brain is overloaded and it won't stop. 

(Dress: EShakti.com)
This dress was kindly gifted to me, something I'm actually not complaining about my I'm sure someone else will)


3 comments

  1. Bless you. I see myself in you or at least my younger self. This year I turn 46 and yet still feel 21 and for the past decade, have complained and everything and anything. It always felt like other people were happier prettier, wealthier etc etc...and to be honest, they were. There will always be those that we deem to be better and living a better life bit here's the interesting bit, you get older and look back and realise how much that despondency dragged you down. The one that missed out was me..and probably affected some relationships.
    Being an adult is hard work...the bills, responsibilities, the wrinkles , the kids...but it's true what women tell you that as yoh get older, you learn to let things go and there's a kind of acceptance. It's really hard when you feel negative and looking back I was probably mildly depressed but I've learned that there's nothing I can do about the bills and responsibilities..but I can change how I deal or think about it all.
    It's a funny thing, but as you age, you meet more people from different walks of life and the biggest thing I would say, even those prettier, wealthier wives don't have it all😉Everyone is dealing with something!
    The dress looks beautiful. I hope you find a way of stop putting pressure on yourself to achieve everything perfectly...sometimes good is just good enough x

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    Replies
    1. It seems to be one of those phases most people go through i guess, although I'm learning more and more each day how much other people sacrifice and you never know about. The illusion of perfection is ruining the honesty in some things and I think i will try and let this come across in my future posts.
      I definitely do need to change how i think about things but its a longer process than i'd like in the end. Thank you so much for your kind words it really does mean a lot xx

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