Who Am I Now?

I'm a complainer, always have been and probably always will be. Just by nature. That whole glass half full thing is also a baffling concept to me because my reply is well where's the rest, and why are you happy with half? But maybe this is why I'm so exhausted with my life. Constantly striving is a great attribute and means I'll always be reaching for more in work and my personal life. 

But seriously, at what point do we say hold on a second I need to get off this carousel or my head is going to explode. That's how I feel right now, like it's literally going to topple off. I used to be the happy go lucky girl who did fun things, posted Youtube Videos about vintage clothes (that were filmed sideways) when everyone still thought it was weird and was always doing cool projects. Now I'm the complainer, the drain, who hates going out, can't have a conversation without depressing someone and my reply to 99% of life is "I can't do that I'm too broke/skint/tired". Or realistically both. 

I'm not sure when I changed and I'm also not sure why, but losing passion in adult life seems to be a genuine cycle of discontent. One moment it's like oh hey I'm doing okay, and then you get home to 4 unpaid bills, dirty dishes and two more hours of work to do plus cooking and eating and trying to sleep. I wish wish wish I could stop complaining all the time but I also wish it was that easy. 

Do we get so caught up in paying bills and trying to survive that we actually forget to have fun? I envy those women who have just one job and have time to do nice makeup, and in turn have beautiful husbands who can afford to support them to live in beautiful homes so they can enjoy whatever career path they may choose. Because believe me there are more of those women than you think. And I'm not shunning that in any way, but it just feels like a slap in the face for me sometimes. I find myself thinking 'why them' or 'why not me'. And yes shit happens to everyone but we are all complaining so much that no one actually hears each other. We now exchange grumpy words more than hellos and maybe if we actually felt happy about something we wouldn't say it for fear of the 'brag police' honing in. I'm not sure what the cure is and maybe I don't know it might just be me and everyone else is happy as larry. But someone please help me find a machine that turns my complaints into something positive because my brain is overloaded and it won't stop. 

(Dress: EShakti.com)
This dress was kindly gifted to me, something I'm actually not complaining about my I'm sure someone else will)